There is no real healing unless it involves the body.
2022 has been a big year for my body, stopping a five year breastfeeding journey gave me a self-belonging feeling that made me commit to my pleasure practices and going deeper in my sexuality.
I started moving for the first time. Working beyond an old belief that my body was too weak and that I was an artsy person instead of a sporty one. I started going to the gym, biking everywhere, I tried surfing and hiking, I proved myself over and over that I am stronger than I thought.
Going beyond the mind. Emotions are energy in motion.
I learned to move my psyche to my body and to transition in whatever form my body was asking to. I understood the intelligence of my body and how amazing it is that our minds might forget something but within our flesh and bones there’s a memory waiting to be tapped and released.
As they say: when the apprentice is ready, the teacher will appear.
And just when my body said: I am ready to heal, the healers showed up.
Anya contacted me wanting to share a session with me, I trust her so much as a healer that I didn’t even look up to what she was offering, I just say yes and went to see her.
Anya works with Cranosacral Therapy and Deep Tissue Massage and goes deep through different layers of the body focused mainly in the nervous system and the fascia.
The fascia is a thin casing of connective tissue that surrounds and holds every organ, blood vessel, bone, nerve fiber and muscle in place. It’s like a spider web that provides support to the muscles, tendons, ligaments, tissues, organs, nerves, joints and bones and holds all together. Everything we think, feel, remember or do is a process through the biological structures of this “spider-web” were everything is connected, so one imbalance can create illness in other parts that are co-related.
As the session unfolded I felt full surrender to allow myself to transit from very superficial and mundane layers to the most profound and spiritual ones.
At some point Anya was working in my skull, holding my head and pressing different points and I told myself: I allow myself to go deeper.
I started feeling an uncomfortable sensation in my head, felt like running away from it but instead I stayed in it.
Immediately I was taken to a vision where I could feel my head descending from my mother’s vagina. The doctor said I was “stuck” so they proceed to use forceps (metallic spoons) to pulled me out.
Shamans explain that when one experiences trauma, the soul leaves the body, and I experienced that.
I felt how my soul left, and all of a sudden I could see everything from outside: I saw my mom laying on her back, my dad on her left side, doctors wearing suits, the horrible hospital lights and cold environment, and my body on a metallic table with objects on my mouth and nose so that I could breathe.
They treated violently, abusing a tiny body, not using any tenderness, which was all I needed.
In the present moment I started crying without breathing, while Anya held my head and guided me to breathe back.
And the moment I took a breath back was the moment in my vision I took my first breath.
Then I understood that those tiny newborn legs and arms are the same ones I have right now, that my body is the same but in a different size, its been the same body that has been my companion for a 32 year journey. Landing in that feeling was landing back in my own body. Like coming home again.
The next moments were numerous flashbacks one after another were I could see my body growing, I saw my one year old self, then three, then five, then older, as a teenager, as a woman, as a mother, as the 32 year old I am right now.
This experience really woke up something in me. A self love and self respect that I haven’t lived before. This experience marked a before and after in many aspects that keep unfolding.
I was able to leave a relationship that has been taking a lot of space and that was keeping me kind of stuck in my process.
But when I left him go, I was ready to reclaim a new group of sisters, aligned to who I am today. And they showed up.
I met Dalia three weeks after my session with Anya, she wrote me on Instagram interested in me being her doula for her birth in October, I invited her to my home for some herbal tea so we could meet in a calm place and get to know each other.
She sat on my couch and I was amazed by her energy, she is sweet and funny, calm and super powerful, silly and wise, grounded and infinite. Just after some minutes of listening to her I was already in love with her (in a friendly way) so as soon as she paused her talk, I looked at her with a puppy face and said:
Hey, I want to be your friend!
We laughed and she told me she felt the same way.
I don’t even remember me asking someone to be my friend, maybe when I was 6?Making friends comes very easy for me and I’m always meeting new people, but Dalia was something special, she felt like a soulmate, she felt like another me, she felt like home.
Dalia is a sex educator and de-armoring practitioner.
De-armouring
The body armour was first mentioned in writing by Wilhelm Reich back in the 1930’s. The practice of De-Armouring though, is as old as the Shamanic tradition and has many different forms. Reich described armour as the way the body holds tension and pain, when something has been experienced that activated the nervous system in a way that was not processed.
De-armouring is a way to release those shields that we build in the body and that are stopping us from coming in contact with our true nature, our true selves. By shields I mean all those patterns in our behaviors that are defined by past experiences or traumas.
There are different ways to work with de-armouring and in different parts of the body. During a deamouring session, you get in contact with those blocks that are trapped in in your pain body, and allow yourself to go stay in them, go through them and let them go.
Dalia works de-armouring vulvas, vaginas, penises and anuses.
And of course I asked for a session with her.
It was crazy making a new friend and that three weeks later is sitting between my legs, seeing my naked pussy with white gloves and coconut oil next to her. But I felt so much ready for it, in full trust and in love with her loving, caring and professional way.
I laid on the bed and we started breathing together. She started holding me and touching me in different parts of my body, asking me that when she touches me, I should touch herself too, with my energy, being present in a reciprocal way.
We stayed there for a while as I was became more and more aware and present of my body and my energy, her touch and her energy.
She asked me to communicate with her whenever I felt ready to approach my pussy, and that if I didn’t felt a full yes it was ok, we could stop or go slow because this wasn’t supposed to be a certain way but more, to be.
I don't know how long it took but at some point I said yes, with my voice but also with my body, with my pussy.
She placed her hand on my mons pubis, working with some points, she told me to response on a scale 0-5 where 5 was painful and I couldn’t stay, but we wanted to stay in 4, where I could feel some discomfort but to be able to be there and breathe.
At first I was working to go beyond my head and every thought that felt this was something strange because I surely wanted it. After that I could be fully relaxed and secure, allowing all the sensations in my body to surface.
On the first parts she was working on I had a vision of who I was as a teenager and how I used my sexuality unaware and as something to give back, of all the times I had unconscious sex and gave away my body without being in my body. Every time I allowed someone to go inside without me being ready was a way I allowed my body to be abused without knowing it was abuse.
I integrated that I am still that person, there is no separation within the me as a little girl, as a teen, as a woman, and that when I make decisions based on what I know now, when I protect my boundaries and stay firm in what I need and want, I am protecting the teenager me. So it gave me clarity to see when I might fall into those old patterns.
After working on that area, Dalia continued massaging my outer labia, the clitorial hood and stretching mi inner labia. Wow.
This felt so good. Like so so good. I can’t believe no one has every touched me that way before, I can’t believeI had never touched myself that way. So slow, so present, with so much love, I could feel so much in every inch of my vulva, how alive my vulva is, how alive I am.
At some point I felt it was weird that my friend was taking me through so much pleasure as I moan and breathe so load, but it was the language of my body and I decided to follow it.
Following the pleasure took me to beautiful visions, where I could see celestial beings and being in a beautiful warm place. Then Dalia stayed in a specific area, she sensed something and asked me if I wanted to release it.
I didn’t know how it was but I allowed my body to take me there.
Then I saw him. His beautiful face, his perfectly shaped body. The first man who made me feel all, the first man who took me through sex to places I had never been before, the man I poured my pussy and heart to and had recently (weeks before) let go.
I started crying from my core, one of those cries that cuts you in half, but this time I was not left half, I was left whole. I release a grief I did not know I had, a pussy grief, because my pussy loved him, because I loved him.
Then we could continue, and allow pleasure to be keep blossoming and taking me where I had to go. I was wide opened. Feeling and in total surrender.
On my left labia Dalia touched took me elsewhere:
My body reacted immediately and I screamed in fear, I started crying like a scared child, my body remembered something that happened exactly there but I had completely erased for years:
Seven years ago when I gave birth to my first son I had three tears that needed to be stitched, the day after giving birth I was feeling some pain and discomfort, so I went back to the hospital to get a check up:
I opened my legs and the midwife pulled the stitch, assuming it was loose. “Ops! I thought it was loose!” She said with a silly tone not even apologizing, while my body was shivering in pain and my tender vagina started hiding in trauma.
Seven years later I was screaming and crying my pussy out, but then comforting myself and telling myself it was ok, that that event had already happened and my pussy was safe and healthy.
It was a strong emotional release, with a lot of tears and a lot to integrate.
I was feeling overwhelmed so I asked Dalia to stop the session there and going inside of the vagina next time, she also felt the same so we did.
I stayed in bed cuddling myself. Feeling whole and with a sensation that I had unlock something that was stagnant and I did not know, after some time of integration I felt like an infinite love and respect towards my body, grateful with my pussy for allowing me to tap into so much wisdom and pleasure. Ready to make decisions now on that will honor her, that will honor me.
The into my pussy and into my asshole chapter will come next, stay tuned!
<3
Ea