There has been many times I’ve felt my world was falling apart:
2015: I packed my life in a black bag, left the home I grew up, my family, my friends, job and all I knew. Crossed the ocean with a four-month baby in my belly and a heart in love.
2018: Second child in my belly. A three-year-old screaming in the kitchen with a burned-out father passed out bleeding on the floor. Every afternoon coming home and checking his pulse praying he was not gone.
2020: The need to get out. My clothes packed in cardboard boxes, three different homes in four months. A pandemic hitting the world and deep darkness eating my soul. No money, no food, no job, no camera, no hope. Unable to find solutions… a boyfriend saving my bones.
2021: I must return. My mom and dad in the hospital… the fucking virus eating their lungs. My father asking me to get him out of there. Impotence and desperation… he died alone.
2022: I can see my kids only six days a month. They said I should take the meds, find a job and a permanent home so they will return.
2023: A march full of snow. I chased my dream but wasn’t enough. My grandma died and I couldn’t say ‘adios’, I lost my job and have no food at home, got a letter saying I could lose my boys.
One day my mother told me that the last years observing me has been like seeing a baby sea turtle struggling to get out of the egg, then out of the hole with sand making her fall, when she’s finally out animals come and try to kill her, they hurt her but she keeps going, she tries and tries until she realizes was on the opposite direction to the sea… storms and more obstacles difficult her to reach the water, but she keeps trying.
I can sense the water. It is calm and warm, I can almost taste its salt and see its shine. In the water I am soft and steady, stable and wise. Waves come and go… but I am peaceful inside. The turtle has grown.
.
I don’t know why things have been so hard, and it doesn’t really matter the why.
We can’t avoid pain in life, but what we can avoid is suffering, suffering is a choice.
I also don’t know why all things come at once. Like… having no plans for weeks and the same weekend you got something, you get a bunch of invites… Well, I wish my now was like that, but is more like a bunch of bad things happening at once.
What I do know is that
Sometimes everything falls apart so we can start building something new from scratch.
And that’s where I chose to stand.
A year ago I wrote about that the only permanent thing in life is impermanence. And life takes me to a similar place again, but I am not the same.
I’m coming out of a very good period of stability, friends, opportunities, trips, and my decision to start building my empire now (a bunch of projects that I haven’t been able to do because life has been so hard for years…)
But then rock bottom showed me that the bottom is not a bad place, because it just shows a change of direction, like the universe making us uncomfortable so we move.
So what’s my move?
After spending weeks of weeks in absolute darkness, not having any motivation or inspiration to make any decision, with a cracked nervous system that collapsed.
I decided to pause my projects for a bit, and I will find the most stable panorama I can: a normal full-time job so I can stop hustling and relax. Focus on being the best mother I can. Heal my relationship with their father. Find a new path where economy is not a struggle. Stop thinking I am a diva that deserves all the fame and glory in the world, and try to grasp a more down-to-earth / low-key life.
If you know me you are probably laughing cause two months ago I was dancing half naked during a burlesque performance screaming I was decided to make Sweden hot again.
But for real… I just want to reach the ocean, I want to feel calm and warm, I want to taste the salt, I want to see the shine. I want to feel soft and steady, stable and wise. And even if waves come and go… I know that I am peaceful inside.
<3
Ea
Hang in there ! Espero que las cosas mejoren pronto . Siempre vas a ser una diosa aunque uses uniforme del trabajo más aburrido del mundo , eso es lo que sentís que necesitas y lo podes hacer para estar mejor 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻