When my father died, I had a conversation with a friend who lost her partner some years ago, she told me:
I know now the wound is so deep you can’t see it… but one day, flowers will start blooming from that wound, and you will understand the purpose of grief.
I thought this was crazy, I was in the darkest place just when I thought life couldn’t get darker. I thought there was no way life could become brighter and that purpose was inexistent.
But somehow, it felt like divorce and depression prepared me. During this dark period, I learned how to dance between emotions and perspective. I've been extremely emotional all my life and been letting my feelings take me everywhere, but now for the first time I could feel and let some space of overview, knowing everything will pass.
So I set an intention for this process: no resistance but don’t be drawn, finding a middle point.
It was summer when I came back to Sweden from my goodbye trip. I moved in with my boyfriend at the moment in the most beautiful summer house, with the ocean just in front and the forest in the back, he told me I could focus on my grief process and he will take care of me.
I decided to let the wound dry in the open air, not expecting it will heal, that eventually it wouldn't hurt so much.
I let myself be soaked in nature every day, some days I felt I couldn’t even walk, so I just laid on the ground and breathe to the earth, other days I had more energy so I could swim in the cold water for hours watching my salty tears mix with the semi salty ocean.
Nothing could take away the emptiness on my chest when I would wake up every morning and remember I would never see my father again, or the eternal crying nights before going to bed, but I was letting it all out, one day at a time.
I became an introvert inside of a shell, I couldn’t meet anyone, I could barely talk on the phone or keep eye contact with people cause I felt so broken inside, there was nothing of me to show.
But I let myself stay there, I got to accept and love that new me. She was not the funny, crazy and enthusiastic one everyone adored, but she was real.
I enjoyed my solitude in the countryside life, with nature, a good man, and my kids by my side.
I don’t know when things started shifting, but I can only tell flowing with no resistance is a good medicine.
In November I travelled to Portugal with my best friend and I remembered what genuine happiness felt like.
I understood there what all parents truly desire for their children is for them to be happy, and that being happy would be the best way to honor my father and me, because it's also the core of what I want.
For me, happiness is related to gratefulness, when I’m grateful I see that I have everything to my scope to be happy. I could see a pattern on ‘the grass is greener on the other side’ where I was constantly wishing to be somewhere else, so I decided to stop that, to honor the place I am at and the journey that got me there, as Ram Dass said:
You can do it like it’s a big weight on you, or you can do it like it's part of the dance.
It’s kind of simple: we can’t choose many things that happen to us, but we can always change the way we see things. So I decided to see something as traumatic as the death of my father as part of the dance of being alive. And then, I saw it:
The purpose of grief is transformation.
When I got this, I started seeing the flowers blooming from the wound.
I will list some of them, because I’m not or will ever be done with this chapter, it just evolves and takes me to different places, but here are some flowers:
Nothing ever dies, everything transforms. My father’s body is not here, but his soul is eternal, his love is eternal, and I feel it everyday.
Memories are the best legacy our parents can give us, through memories they can live in us forever. Memories reproduce, they are unstoppable, they are a blessing even if they are not so pleasant.
There are no grief phases, the only way is through it. Grief is a lifetime process that heals and hurts less, but emotions, ups and downs, come and go all the time. All is welcomed.
I feel no fear for life, or death. I see it all as part of the human experience and how beautiful it is to be alive.
Life purpose may arise through grief. I had nothing left of me than reinventing myself. So I started from zero, got into school to study Swedish, started my own business and it’s flourishing, started writing again, became single, found a new path, and I feel grater than ever, as a mother, as a professional, as a person.
The notebook still has so many blank pages, more will come.
Thanks for reading, remember we will all go through grief at some point. It’s important to talk about it, and support each other the more we can.
Les ama mucho,
Ea.
This is beautiful. All so very true and authentic.
The most beautiful and abundant gardens I’ve experienced are watered with tears of loss and joy; tended to with heavy hearts and light hearts. All playing a vibrant role within each bloom. ✨
Thank you for sharing your lessons, growth and experiences. 💜